10/22/2003 10:44:16 AM|||Travis||| "We can't become five star unless we have the heart. Sure we follow the "rules", but if we don't have the heart then it doesn't matter."
"Each time someone walks by you, give them a little piece of yourself."
The words of one of my buddies at the Bacara about life and achievement. I thought about it for a while. I think that the best organizations have heart, and perhaps it is something we lack at the Bacara. Getting the five star status is something every employee wants, because it gives you instant credibility. If you worked at a five star resort, you can work at almost any other resort in the world.
But the important part here is the heart, or courage, or desire. It is this that makes the difference between the good and great companies.
Yesterday I went to the beach and watched the sunset. It was a brillant day and watching the sun lazily dip away was a perfect way to end it. It was also a time for some much needed personal reflection about what the hell I should do with myself.
As of late, I find myself in a miserable depression. Life just seems to suck.
I want to peg the problem on something I ate or wasn't eating, some sort of chemical imbalance or perhaps just the stress of school. Maybe its some sort of combination. I don't know, all I know is that I want to feel good again.
Walking around campus isn't that helpful. It seems that most college kids are depressed. Look around at a college campus.... everyone drags there feet around, dreading the day they have to hand in homework and take tests. Life is hectic, juggling class, work and parties. There is just too much going on, too much stress. You can tell just by looking at these people.
Life should be simplified. Do less and do it well. I am always trying to do to many different things and fail to do any one of them well. Life should be slowly whittled away, so that only the most important things remain. I need to find those things.. and screw the rest.
I was really on the fence with the game company. Its always taken up a huge part of my thoughts and its deeply engrained into my life right now. Many people constantly ask how it is going, what is happening, etc. But the problem is that not much is happening, and I started to believe that it may never work out. I wanted to get out, to start something new and fresh and seperate myself. I was really on the fence, so to speak.
I think the main problem is that it wasn't my company, it's Jakes'. I read the Richard Branson novel about how he started Virgin called "Losing my Virginity", and perhaps I hated the fact that I was not the main character in the Gnostic Labs book. I came in later, Jake and the others had already sunk time into it before I came aboard. So its largely not my venture.
And so I thought- fuck it. I should get out. I can focus my time with school. I could have more time to write. I could write a screenplay about my childhood. I could start an Internet TV station. I could study how Religions are formed. I could travel, perhaps even study abraod in Britain. There are so many possibilities......
Perhaps it is working with Jake that is the biggest problem. Its just not fun! He is so incredibly negative, such a "realist" and half-empty kind of guy that it is impossible to instill grand thoughts in him. I remember telling him, almost two years ago before our first trip to E3, about how our goal should be to get a publisher deal. He laughed in my face! Didn't think it was possible at all... or something. But there is so much tension between us, perhaps because we are brothers. Perhaps because I was just in a bad mood recently and wanted to strangle him evertime I saw him. I also wanted to blame all the problems of the company on him, which I did recently and he adequtely bitched me out for. Its just that the glitter of starting this game company is starting to fade in my mind.
Its IS something that I have stuck my reputation on. Pullling out now would be a severe blow to the morale of the company, and would be a strange move in my peer's eyes. Why they would ask? And if I said, because it wasn't fun anymore, what would they think?
Perhaps this green field that I see on the other side is merely a mirage. I find myself with problems in the now, and tell myself that only if I didn't have this in my life that everything would be much easier. I could have a wealth of new opportunites open to me. But is this true?
Perhaps I just need to get away from Jake. I am still living with him, and perhaps that is my problem. Or maybe its a chemical imbalance... or just some stress.
I saw Monica again last Thursday downtown. Ahhhh, what a beauty she is. She punched me in the shoulder so hard I almost fell over.. she was so full of energy. Mentally she punched me too, and that was much more severe. I hardly want to talk to her at all though, because I am affraid I may kill the thing that I love. Perhaps the reality of Monica is much less glamourous than my unreal perception of her now.
So there it is... love, depression.... myself. I am such a mess right now. Really.
Its just such a beautiful disaster.|||106684465623034907|||