11/12/2004 02:00:15 AM|||Travis|||

Decisions

So what now? I am reaching one of those cusping points in life where I have a number of short term options with long term consequences. Times like this is where my feelings go from depression to forgetting to procrastination to .... well, here in my journal. Confusion should also be thrown in there, along with some sort of attempt to connect with the greater being. Wouldn't it be easy if someone could call these shots for you.. but then your life would be almost meaningless and you would just be thrown from one thing to the next without your own will, your own identity. How I solve these problems is what shapes my soul, and so they are intrinsically mine. And what I am dealing with here are quality problems as to how I want to spend my time. It boils down to what I want to become. Should I go the startup route? I have two options there. Should I try the corporate route? Have some options there. Or try to go it out independent, doing little things on the side until I can do big things on the side.

I like being independent. Once when asked what I value the most in life it was that- the ability to go where I want and when, to try new things and generally not have any extremely strong commitments that force me to be a certain thing or person. A regular job seems to really push you into that category. Even a startup, where I would have an executive role is essentially a job, a career. Its more interesting than the corporate world in that you can create your own career, but its the same shit. You take on a role in the startup and you have more options. You are not trying to climb a ladder and strive within the frame of an established organization. You are creating it. But it still takes so much damn work.

And work is work. Its just that some things that make me money don't feel like work... such as the real estate stuff I did over the summer. That was pure enjoyment. I also have yet to realize a profit from it, but that is another story that is still unfolding. And something that is going to demand time and attention in the future, detracting from a regular job. A startup job would essentially require more time and leave less time for fun side deals, like the one over the summer and it would actually jeopardize the company to have someone that is distracted and not fully committed to the plan and doing stuff on the side. So its poker time now, and its go all in or all out. No middle of the road crap here.

The hardest part of all of this is how I am going to describe this to the people that need to know if I am going to be a part of their organization or not. I know what I want to do, this has essentially been like me describing my problems to a Psychologist who is then just going to confirm what I already know as what I want to do. Perhaps I am going to make some silly decisions that will be second guessed, and perhaps people will think that I am crazy, lame, stupid or just plain uncool. But its me that is calling the shots here, and it is I who will be shaping my life.

Sleep... death's brother.. bring me the answers.

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