12/07/2004 04:28:05 PM|||Travis||| All this lost stuff has to be the onset of some sort of mild depression. Perhaps it was because I decided to not work on Eschaton anymore (although that is still going back and forth) and then lost track of where I was going. But it reached a critical point where even my most amazing goals that I have set for myself seemed to lack any sustinance. And when THAT happens, when your life long ambitions are no longer valid, that is depression in its purest form. Nothing seems worthwhile and all there is to do is sleep and eat, effectively wasting time. Well I don't want to do that, but then again I have no energy to do things that I want to accomplish. Like updating the layout of this site for example... I mean its lame. Also I wanted to add in a place where I could link in my top posts/stories of all time so new peeps coming in here can find some of my golden stuff (I mean with over 350 posts on this beast there are certainly a few gems).
Perhaps I just don't have a series of goals lined up. What causes depression? Perhaps its a mechanism for solving this goal problem.... and on some level I have failed to do something and so my reward mechanisms are punishing me. It could also be a fault in the reward mechanism of my brain... so maybe I should just self-medicate myself to correct the imbalance. But if its onset is for, in fact, a reason, then I would only be screwing myself out of some sort of benefit that this helpless feeling is bringing.
I typed "what should I do?" into google and got back this: http://www.fastcompany.com/online/66/mylife.html
Nice article about an author who traveled around the country and asked people why they chose their profession. Some cases were more interesting than others, such as the investment banker turned trucker or the lawyer turned goose farmer. It seems that this day in age, doing what you like is extremely important. Productivity increases ten fold if you are doing what you want, rather than doing something just to pay bills. And so you have to ask yourself, what do you want to do?
I guess the only time I have had a clear goal in my mind that was big and that would possibly create money was trying to commercialize Eschaton. I got it right up into the right publisher's hands, had all the documents and fumbled on the two yard line. Ugh... But never before had I felt such a clear purpose and objective as when I worked on that damn game. I mean, this ENTIRE journal was made mainly to publicly post my goals, and they were all related to Eschaton and the company at the time. My number one goal? To become President/CEO of the company and be respected for what I brought to the table. And now that I accomplished that goal to a satisfactory level, I feel that I am done with the company. And why? Because working with Jake seemed depressing.... I guess is my best answer. He isn't someone I would want to spend a majority of my time with over the next decade... I think our personalities are too different. But perhaps I can move past that. Last time we went out, it was fun. But what if it was just me and him, in say, Austin, TX? What then? Could I really put up with him if he was my only bud?
So I am still in the midst of a struggle between my options and what the hell I should do. Gnostic Labs? Some corporate job with a big real estate company? Try to start a mortgage brokerage in the NorthWest with my Missoula buddies? I am leaning more towards Gnostic Labs now... believe it or not. It will be a fun ride at the very least, and is probably the fastest route to taking care of my finances and such. And if I want to accomplish bigger goals, then I should hang around in the Southern CA market rather than the Northwest. The only thing big up there is shipping and mining and stuff like that. No hot software stuff, no sunshine and no beach with beautiful girls.
So if this Gnostic Labs thing goes down, I am going to have to make some adjustments. The real estate stufff is going to have to be on the backburner. The real estate club is going to have to run itself in many ways, and I am going to have to hookup the fastest graduation deal that I can with Murat so I can focus on the game company. And I can fly around with our investor and pitch people about a game idea that has merit and profit potential. At the very least, it will be a fun ride. I now need to negotiate things with Jake to sort out stock and debt issues once and for all, and get everything down in writting and such.
Perhaps depression is a lack of focus on a certain objective. The mind doesn't know what to do, it becomes lost. All value is related to the goal that you set, and when no goal is present the system breaks down... nothing seems worthwhile.
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